Home-made drinking glasses, daredevils only warning, cussing

I found a pin on Pinterest that said you could cut a bottle with only string and nail polish. That's how this whole debacle began.

Well, the idea was you take thread or string, acetone nail polish, and fire. Already I was on board. I love those wine bottles that are made into drinking glasses. Why can't I make my own, or so I thought. Turns out when you wrap the acetone string around the bottle, light it then after a minute plunge it in cold water.....it doesn't separate as effortlessly as u thought. It doesn't separate at all unless separate means stay attached. So, I looked online again and saw a variety of methods that YouTube said worked. I got myself a glass scorer. I asked for help from nephews. We tried the glass scorer, then cold water. Then we tried the string thing again, but this time with whiskey. Then we tried scoring it then boiling the bottle then plunging it in cold water. Nothing worked. By then everyone was pissed. And everyone wanted some wine bottle glasses. I went online again and found a $40.00 kit. I thought it was probably a hoax since I already tried the scoring method and that shit don't work. So then I reasearched some more. I got myself a diamond tip for my deemed. That sucker was $18.00. So, I cut myself a bottle. I choked on glass dust, assaulted my ears and did it all without safety glasses. The glass looks about as smooth as a chainsaw blade, even after marking off a straight line with tape. I have a very very shaky hand. I endeavor to find a vise or a tripod or something to stabilize both the dremel and the bottle. I ask Sarge, and he finds me a dremel workstation. So I drag my very determined ass to Lowes and find one. I get some safety glasses too. I try and try but the damn things kept alternately falling off and then fogging up. I felt like I was looking thru scuba goggles.  The Dremel workstation takes a bit of time to put together, and after the third and successful time of following the directions I find that it wont work for cutting glass bottles. Because the blade wont touch the glass. I gave it the old college try and it sort've scored the glass but it was so uncomfortable and unecessary. So I took it back and made my own little wine glass bottle holder with dremel rest.

Here's what I came up with in my garage.

Those are L-brackets, and a plank of wood I had left over. I used some old moleskin to cushion the bottle. I rested the Dremel tool on the L-brace pushed up against the bottom of the bottle and slowly rotated the bottle with my left hand while I tried to keep everything stable. I drew lines, I used tape to get a perfect cut line. It never happened. It just wasn't stable enough. My hands were too shaky and the Dremel was spinning fast. It was just messy. I have a lot of jagged bottle pieces. I added more brackets to add more stability, and used wing nuts to make it easier to adjust. I bought another diamond tip for the dremel. I got some non-prescription glasses that fit my head better at Target in the sunglass section. I assume they are for hipsters who don't need glasses but want to look cool. They became my safety glasses.

I may not look very hip, but I would look a lot less hip with an eyepatch. Wait, scratch that I would look AWESOME with an eyepatch. But alas, I'm a horrible driver as it is, I need whatever depth perception I've got. The extra stability didn't work, the bottle still wouldn't turn perfectly leaving the Dremel scoring imperfectly. 

So, let me just say I have spent some cash, and spent a lot of time I could have spent :reading, quilting, napping, working out, cutting these damned bottles. I even tried just scoring them with the Dremel, and then heating up the score line with a tea-light candle, and then dripping cold water on it. It broke the glass much easier than cutting it apart with a Dremel, but again, the jagged score line made it fall apart all jaggedy. I tried using sandpaper, different Dremel sanders, my Mouse sander to smooth out these edges, but they are still pretty dangerous. So today, after walking into the living room to be irritated away from glass and other sharp objects I was bitching to Sarge about how I cannot get a straight line. 

He offers this: "Have you drawn a line or used a sharpie or something?" Then he looks at my like I'm an imbecile. At that point I leave the room and begin to fantasize about breaking all the bottles.

After some long stares at my death trap glasses I decided to take a drive. I got in my Minivan and drove away from my disasters. 

I called my sister Hannah and this is (sic) the conversation we had. I can't remember it exactly so this is kind've the flavor of it.

H) "Hello?"

R) "Hey, I am in a very grumpy mood because of a failed craft project and I really just want to curse really loudly while I'm taking a break in my car. But I figured I'd want to do it with someone else, because shouting obscenities alone in my car makes me feel too much like Dad."

H) "That sounds good. What was the project?"

R) "Wine bottles into drink glasses. I swear if anyone tries to drink out of them they will wreck their face."

H) Laughing. "Ok"

R) "At the count of three we will start yelling the nastiest curse words ever. The dirtier and nastier the better.

"1-2-3"

At the same time:

R) "FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT WASTE OF MY TIME CUNT KNUCKLE POND SCUM DOUCHE BAG TWAT WAFFLE BAT SHIT WHORE FUCKITY FUCK FUCKTARD ASSWHIPE DOUCHE CANOE PUTRID CUM OF SATAN SOGGY PIECE OF WHORE SHIT!!!!!!!"

H) "WHORE BAG FUCKITY SHIT HOLE ASSTARD BITCH SHIT FUCKERY NETI POT USING SYPHLITTIC WHORE ASS STUPID WANKER DOUCHE BAG, CUNT WHORE CUM BUBBLE!!!

(note: I can't remember every thing we said so I just put in a lot of curse words.)

R) deep breath

H) Whore-bag

R) Slimy Cunt Sauce

H) "Feel better?"

R) "Yeah, much. I'm going to Popeye's to eat some food but I'm going to eat it in my car because I"m ashamed of eating that much food in public."

H) "Yeah, I know about that."

So, I think I may have given up on this project.

Tell me, would you put your lips on this?

This is after sanding.

My failures....

Let me remind you, if you try to drink out of these YOU WILL WRECK YOUR FACE.